Deadlines

Well, the hand-in date for my project is today at 4pm.

But I handed mine in yesterday.

It definitely isn't the best piece of work I've ever done, but by yesterday afternoon I knew that 1.) I was never going to understand it more than I already did in 24hours 2.) if I kept it with me, I would just keep picking at it and probably make it worse, I mean, I'm absolutely terrible with scabs and projects not handed in are in the same vein. So I printed it off, which included about ten minutes fixing one particular chart up by hand because it wouldn't print right, getting it bound, undertaking the tedious task of filling out two cover sheets for each of my copies and then finally handing the thing in. Returning home I handed in my 'electronic copy' (which apparently they use to check you ain't plagiarised) and that was it. Since yesterday afternoon I've been sat here thinking 'oh I wonder if I did this...' then telling myself off for it. There's nothing I can do about it now, so why worry?

I think some small part of me feels bad for not being as religious with its synthesis as everyone else has been. It will reflect in my mark, this I know. But another part of me felt as though I expended all my time and energy on the data collection part of the project, while everyone else was sitting in a lab or whatever, I was lugging camera and tripod, chasing after a flock of wild birds. I hope I get effort marks. Also, and this may sound like an excuse but it's true; I struggle to be diligent at something I know I'm no good at. Rather than being a centre that fosters learning and independent exploration of a given subject, uni has made me feel inferior in every conceivable way. All I really got was a three year course on how to be a pedantic twat and question everything that's put in front of me. I know that I am not closed off to learning; I still pick up chord sequences on the guitar for a song I want to learn how to play, I collect scattered pieces of knowledge I put forth in my creative writing. I have an excellent memory for trivia but a terrible one for 'non-vocal communication'.

But it's over with now. It's a month until my exams and that's another kettle of fish I'll boil when the time is right. Hooray!