Shelved

Yeah, it was pointed out to me by my sister yesterday as I sat vainly trying to hold a conversation with someone over msn

"You always get put on the shelf, don't you?"

I thought about it for a moment, and then nodded sadly. Yes, yes I do.

The worst thing about it was that I've only recently realised how often I get put onto one side so that 'more important' people get seen to first. What is it about -me- that means I'm not deserving of first place? I notice that over the years I'm becoming less of the caring person I was, and more of this bitter personality that seems to have no time for anyone; but why should I give my all when nobody gives back?

I notice myself butting in with rude comments when holding a conversation with my own mother. A drunken (on her behalf), rambling conversation, but even so I should have held my tongue like I used to; I find myself getting wound up when she makes her point, rambles round the subject, makes the point again, repeat ad nauseum. I will rephrase the point, in a louder, hurried, annoyed voice. If she doesn't get the hint, I'll tell her 'yes I understand'. I seem to have lost the ability to sit there and let her talk, I just don't seem to care anymore.

Perhaps I've cracked, perhaps I've had enough of being the person who has to put up with everyone else's problems, and who never gets what I give back. I want to be a nice person, but I'm sick of being interrupted, talked over, pushed to one side.

I'm sick of being put on the shelf all the time.

This doesn't mean, of course, that I want to be the centre of attention, all I ask is for my friends and relations to sometimes take into consideration that perhaps -I- want to talk about myself for once; while their anecdote might be funnier/more interesting/wackier/more amazing, shouldn't they show a little consideration beyond the 'hi how are you?' shouldn't they actually take an interest in my life, like I do in theirs?

I'm not the most interesting person in the world, but I do have feelings.