"Completely fake and full of nothing but bullshit and deceit"

Nice when you know that comments like that are specifically aimed at you, isn't it?

I read that in somebody's MSN status today, and I'm pretty damn certain the only time said person signs into MSN is to talk to me. So that comment was for my benefit.

I'm not naming names, but this will be because I haven't been hanging on the end of the line for this person when they want to talk to me. Yes, I did agree that we ought to meet up and do something but I know what this person is like.

This is the kind of awful friendship that exists between a lad and a lass, and the lad 'wants something more' and the lass doesn't. She won't ever want anything more than for him to be her friend. She's told him this to his face. Twice. The second time she was blissfully single, not in any rush to fall back into a relationship. The first she happened to still be in a relationship. But he still persists. He still invites her over with the pretence that what's going on is everyone included, but instead it's a cleverly engineered situation to get him alone with her. He guilt trips her into staying longer than she really wants to, so late that he insists on walking her home. He invades her personal space almost constantly. He tries to play footsie under the table with her.

If she wanted a relationship, if she was even vaguely attracted to this lad, it might be sweet. Instead it just comes across as stifling and slightly creepy. So instead the friendship becomes unbalanced with him putting in far more effort than is needed and her doing everything in her power to avoid sending out signals that might be misinterpreted as 'leading him on'. She doesn't even feel capable of making eye contact with him most of the time. This is the kind of friendship that people base the whole scenario of 'guys and gals can't just be friends' upon, because it's true - eventually one person always ends up getting hurt. If you cave and decide to date the other person, you're essentially lying to them; you can't generate feelings of affection for somebody just like that. It's going out with somebody because you pity them, because you haven't got the balls to say no. You can't begin a relationship on lies, heaven's knows most relationships generate enough lies throughout their course as it is.

I've told him, he deserves somebody better than me. Because he does; as wonderful as he thinks I am I'm never going to be that person for him; he can love and dote on me all he likes - I wish I did have somebody like that in my life who I loved just as much. I just don't love him in that way. I never will, and I certainly don't currently. But how can I be any more blunt with him without sounding like a complete cow? I tell him these things because I care about him as a friend, I don't want to lead him on but it seems that whatever I do I end up messing things up more.

As you can see - he's clearly not happy with not being able to speak to me for the sum total of seven days. I've not spoken to Karen for about the same length of time, and she's not posting bitchy statuses on msn. I can't deal with the guilt that's piled onto me for not being able to generate affection for somebody, it isn't fair. I struggle to be a good, consistent friend to people at the best of times - but he brings out the worst in me.

Conclusion

Well, I think I've finally come to my conclusion about university.


I hate it here.

I absolutely, utterly, sodding hate it here.

Why is it when I look on Facebook, everyone has photos taken of them depicting happy, lots of friends, laughing, joking... etc. I have 9 photos of me. 9.

Ok, I shouldn't be using a website to judge the state of my life, but it isn't just that. Sure, I have friends, but they're not very good friends. They're the people I hang out with because otherwise, I would be on my own. Conversation revolves around them, and sure it's probably because I ask them about their lives, their weekends, whatever else they get up to. But have they once asked after me? No. Do they care about me? I don't feel cared about.

I don't know what I've done wrong; I've been social, I've done everything I can to join in with things and make the effort. Nobody seems to care. I'm stuck here, away from the people I care about most - family, friends back home.

I can't be myself here - the minute I start behaving "normally" I get odd looks and annoyed glances. I've become as introverted as I was in Highschool.

Also, I hate this stupid year of stuff I don't even care about. I'm paying to redo my A-levels. Whoo, fucking, hoo. Ok, I like Biology, but I wanted to progress. I didn't want to sit there for 50 minutes learning about the sodding lac operon. How the chuff is it relevent to zoology? Search me.

I feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm miserable 80% of my time here. I'm in tears for about 60% of that. Everyone at home seems to be so cold towards me I wonder what the heck I've done wrong. It's like I really don't have anything to live for anymore.

Cambridge

Last week was reading week here at Manchester University, which means that we have a week free of lectures to (not surprisingly) read. Of course, with time off there was also one extra thing I wanted to do; not having seen Finn for around six weeks was tough, and we both came to the conclusion it was high time to see each other.

Of course, Finn was still in the middle of his term (which was an 'oh noes!' length of 8 weeks, but they work about ten times as hard as we do - imagine having a school week compressed into a day, and having to go in on a Saturday. Nightmare situation.), but that didn't really matter to me. (And I hope it didn't matter to him either).

Anyway, the train journey down was uneventful save for one change. I went from Manchester - Doncaster - Peterborough, then I should have finally gone on to Cambridge. But upon arriving at Peterborough, I found my train had been cancelled and there wasn't one for around another hour, with no guarantee it was going to run. I think some sort of guardian angel was smiling down at me that day since I somehow bumped into a group of sensible twenty-something bordering 30 year olds who lived in Cambridge, and also happened to be going the same way. I learnt that I could get a train to Ely and then to Cambridge, which would have me arriving at Cambridge station earlier than waiting for the next train.

After Finn picked me up from the station, I got the tour around his college (st.Catharine's) and once he'd finished his work I got taken to the bar, where I met Ruud, one of Finn's friends from the Czech Republic. One thing I noticed was how all of Finn's friends seem really warm and friendly - and I began drawing parallels to how I don't really have it the same way back home. At first, I felt some what of an outsider to this strange, courteous place, where people actually cared what I had to say for myself. But I soon settled in and began to feel a bit more relaxed around everyone - although Finn was probably the garnering factor in all that.

And of course, getting to meet his new friends wasn't a patch on actually being able to spend time with him. I can't express just how well I was looked after while I was there; taken out for dinner, someone making sure I was alright being left on my own for odd periods etc... It didn't matter if we were sitting in his room both working, or in one of his many lectures - just being -with- him made everything seem alright again. I must admit up to that point I had been feeling pretty isolated and depressed about living in Manchester, but the week completely relaxed and resettled me, and thanks to Finn I feel a million times better about everything. True, I'm snowed under with work that's been piled on since I came back, and I have a lot of stuff to sort out - but because I've seen him I can cope with it.

In retrospect, the week wasn't long enough; just to have a few more days to get used to the fact I was going to be jolted back to my little reality would have been nice. Our goodbyes were too short because I had to jump on the train as it was leaving, and since then I've felt oddly alone again - like I'm missing an arm almost. It's also odd to not have the comforting presence of your boyfriend sleeping behind you anymore, but I'll survive.

I only have to wait another 5 weeks.

Shelved

Yeah, it was pointed out to me by my sister yesterday as I sat vainly trying to hold a conversation with someone over msn

"You always get put on the shelf, don't you?"

I thought about it for a moment, and then nodded sadly. Yes, yes I do.

The worst thing about it was that I've only recently realised how often I get put onto one side so that 'more important' people get seen to first. What is it about -me- that means I'm not deserving of first place? I notice that over the years I'm becoming less of the caring person I was, and more of this bitter personality that seems to have no time for anyone; but why should I give my all when nobody gives back?

I notice myself butting in with rude comments when holding a conversation with my own mother. A drunken (on her behalf), rambling conversation, but even so I should have held my tongue like I used to; I find myself getting wound up when she makes her point, rambles round the subject, makes the point again, repeat ad nauseum. I will rephrase the point, in a louder, hurried, annoyed voice. If she doesn't get the hint, I'll tell her 'yes I understand'. I seem to have lost the ability to sit there and let her talk, I just don't seem to care anymore.

Perhaps I've cracked, perhaps I've had enough of being the person who has to put up with everyone else's problems, and who never gets what I give back. I want to be a nice person, but I'm sick of being interrupted, talked over, pushed to one side.

I'm sick of being put on the shelf all the time.

This doesn't mean, of course, that I want to be the centre of attention, all I ask is for my friends and relations to sometimes take into consideration that perhaps -I- want to talk about myself for once; while their anecdote might be funnier/more interesting/wackier/more amazing, shouldn't they show a little consideration beyond the 'hi how are you?' shouldn't they actually take an interest in my life, like I do in theirs?

I'm not the most interesting person in the world, but I do have feelings.

Circular arguments

I've said previously that I thought that some people purely used me as their Agony Aunt. But deep down, I don't really mind, no matter how little I know the person I feel better after sorting out their problems into a neat little pile of suggestions. Today I was emailed by a friend asking for help - wow. I felt quite honoured to be honest, this was someone I hadn't talked to properly since I fell out with her best friend last year. I hadn't fallen out with her you understand, but we'd drifted apart. I thought I would be the last person she would turn to, but all the same, it was nice to be asked for help when we both knew that I could give her some useful advice.

I say this because her situation had become eerily similar to mine.

I know this seems like a random email, but I just wanted some advice. I
know we don't actually..talk anymore - but I know I can still get some great
thoughts and opinions from your POV. But if you don't have time to
read it or just don't want to, i can understand.

It's basically about Amelia. I'm fed up with her.

Ha - this came as a surprise to me. Cassie and Amelia have been best friends for... well forever as far as we can be concerned. But basically she went on to tell me that every monday and wednesday she had been meeting Amelia in the bus station, to talk and to keep the friendship going (as they went to different colleges). Amelia had suddenly been ignoring her and acting strangely after Cassie had not gone to the bus station for 2 mondays in a row, but this was because

1) her exams were near and she had been going up to college early to revise
2) she had also been looking after another friend of hers that had been in and out of hospital for the past few weeks.

We find out that it was Amelia felt that Cassie was not there for her anymore - a similar problem I had suffered when I met, and began going out with, Finn.

For all I went through, I came out of it thinking I was the bad person. Yet, hearing this, Cassie and I came to the conclusion that it really was Amelia with the problem. Having just solved it, I could write more, but I don't really want to.