PMT rant

I'd like to say I've gone raging feminist, but I'm even raging against the feminists right now. In the space of the last 24hours I think I've gotten annoyed at;

- The toss pots kicking the football about outside. All day.
- James Nobles wants to add me as a 'friend' on facebook. Douche.
- That film "the human centipede" sorry, but it's depraved and disgusting.
- Vegans.
- The flies that come into my room through cracks in the walls.
- The pelage that's formed a near beard on my jaw.
- the spots on the right hand side of my face that won't clear up
- the breadstick that fell on the floor and broke
- Feminists
- Lesbians
- Homophobic people
- The stray bit of skin on my burn that I pulled and made my finger bleed
- The people who drive by blasting their crap music into the street
- Relationships.
- How my room wouldn't stop smelling like Earl Grey after that one cup

Like, the last thing, it's a really nice smell, but it got on my nerves? I hate PMT, I really do. I hate how it comes on mid-cycle, too. It's like I got a week of feeling like crap emotionally, then a week of feeling like crap physically. I also promised myself this blog would be used for happy things. But idk, I guess that's what my tumblr is for.

And Relationships; I got to thinking about those again today. About how you have to compromise yourself for another person and then there's always that possibility they're not going to reciprocate which makes you feel like crap, but you never want to not compromise for them because it makes you a bitch? How men are always like "lul sexytimes now plz?" and how if the woman doesn't give him that, he'll go a'wandering. WTF. I think I pretty much hate sex. Not the thought of it, but the physical act of it - all it does is gives the man something he can get by jacking off anyway, while you get that small fear in the pit of your stomach, even when you've been safe of "oh, what if my period doesn't come. What if I get pregnant?" And then it's like "oh I'm so happy my uterus is forcing it's way out through my cervix! 8D"

I once worried myself so hard my period came a whole week later than it should have done. And you know what? There was absolutely no possible way I could have been. I was just paranoid.

Sometimes I wish I was a man.

I hate how much of a man-hating feminist I can be sometimes. It makes me feel like a dyke.

Rant

I'm worried this blog will just turn into my own personal ranty nej-space. So it's probably best to just skip this one; it won't contain anything constructive, it's just me on a hormone induced rant-fest.

So first off, I realised for myself why Phil Collins as a solo artist is rubbish. That might not be everybody's opinion, but it's my opinion. Why did every song he churn out (except perhaps, the soundtrack to Disney's Tarzan) some dreary, churned out dirge of bland crapola? (I realise that statement made no sense. Deal.) Like, mum put on one of his CD's in the car the other day, and my god, I sat through every single one waiting for it to end. None of it inspired me.

Next, I have zero faith in about 80% of my friends right now. Maybe I've been a terrible friend lately, but have they asked me how I am? Why is it always me putting my nose out for them, yet when I need them they're not there? Rach keeps on doing weird wtf stuff behind my back, and has made me out to be the enemy even though I've done nothing wrong - that's fast becoming the flavour of my life right now. Am I some kind of easy scapegoat or something?

Thirdly, I'm eating too much. My period won't start, I've had cramps for four days in a row now and I'm sick of feeling like a bloated whale. I've eaten five slices of toast, one and a half Jamaica ginger cakes, one and a bit roast chickens, three bowls of salad, half an arctic ice roll, several hand-fulls of cheerios, a bowl full of cinnamon grahams, god knows how many cups of tea, three milky bars ... in the space of two days. I'm still hungry. I'm in pain. I want to cry all the time. Mum invites me to go shopping with her for some company then yells at me because I don't know what I want to eat. Look at the above list - does that look like it's a very decisive kind of diet to you? The grahams came at half seven in the evening. The chicken was for breakfast. No dad, I'm not pregnant.

Forthly this is just a random hatred of the way people take out their anger on me. I'm not taking your crap just because you don't feel happy right now.

Fifthly, I got an email from Jonny but he can trav off to travland and become welsh and fall off the mountain and break his legs. It was a bunch of lame excuses as to how that status wasn't aimed at me (of course, how could it be, I'm so amazingly perfect to him!) - I picked it apart in five minutes. Everything he said in that email was a lie. Go figure. GTFO. He'll get a reply, eventually. Not right now.

Sixthly, I really hate how mum is such a compulsive liar. She said we were going to visit bapcia today, but this morning she said "you know, I really ought to get the car serviced. I don't want to drive all that way. I don't think it's safe." And whenever craig phones up she makes up some bollocks about how much housework she's done.

Bapcia phoned up today, asking what time we were supposed to be there for. I felt awful - I hope mum will too when she realised Blythe had the guts to tell Bapcia the truth about what happened. Why shouldn't we? It'll all fall on our heads I know but props to Blythe - at least she was honest.

Basically, nej stamp to the world.

In other news, I've been spending less time on the internet. Instead I've been reading my book, watching Greek, thinking about buying another book to read after I finish this one, taking random excursions out, seeing baby jackdaws and I've been colouring. Yes, the poster. I'm really enjoying that - thanks dad (: xxx

"Completely fake and full of nothing but bullshit and deceit"

Nice when you know that comments like that are specifically aimed at you, isn't it?

I read that in somebody's MSN status today, and I'm pretty damn certain the only time said person signs into MSN is to talk to me. So that comment was for my benefit.

I'm not naming names, but this will be because I haven't been hanging on the end of the line for this person when they want to talk to me. Yes, I did agree that we ought to meet up and do something but I know what this person is like.

This is the kind of awful friendship that exists between a lad and a lass, and the lad 'wants something more' and the lass doesn't. She won't ever want anything more than for him to be her friend. She's told him this to his face. Twice. The second time she was blissfully single, not in any rush to fall back into a relationship. The first she happened to still be in a relationship. But he still persists. He still invites her over with the pretence that what's going on is everyone included, but instead it's a cleverly engineered situation to get him alone with her. He guilt trips her into staying longer than she really wants to, so late that he insists on walking her home. He invades her personal space almost constantly. He tries to play footsie under the table with her.

If she wanted a relationship, if she was even vaguely attracted to this lad, it might be sweet. Instead it just comes across as stifling and slightly creepy. So instead the friendship becomes unbalanced with him putting in far more effort than is needed and her doing everything in her power to avoid sending out signals that might be misinterpreted as 'leading him on'. She doesn't even feel capable of making eye contact with him most of the time. This is the kind of friendship that people base the whole scenario of 'guys and gals can't just be friends' upon, because it's true - eventually one person always ends up getting hurt. If you cave and decide to date the other person, you're essentially lying to them; you can't generate feelings of affection for somebody just like that. It's going out with somebody because you pity them, because you haven't got the balls to say no. You can't begin a relationship on lies, heaven's knows most relationships generate enough lies throughout their course as it is.

I've told him, he deserves somebody better than me. Because he does; as wonderful as he thinks I am I'm never going to be that person for him; he can love and dote on me all he likes - I wish I did have somebody like that in my life who I loved just as much. I just don't love him in that way. I never will, and I certainly don't currently. But how can I be any more blunt with him without sounding like a complete cow? I tell him these things because I care about him as a friend, I don't want to lead him on but it seems that whatever I do I end up messing things up more.

As you can see - he's clearly not happy with not being able to speak to me for the sum total of seven days. I've not spoken to Karen for about the same length of time, and she's not posting bitchy statuses on msn. I can't deal with the guilt that's piled onto me for not being able to generate affection for somebody, it isn't fair. I struggle to be a good, consistent friend to people at the best of times - but he brings out the worst in me.

Conclusion

Well, I think I've finally come to my conclusion about university.


I hate it here.

I absolutely, utterly, sodding hate it here.

Why is it when I look on Facebook, everyone has photos taken of them depicting happy, lots of friends, laughing, joking... etc. I have 9 photos of me. 9.

Ok, I shouldn't be using a website to judge the state of my life, but it isn't just that. Sure, I have friends, but they're not very good friends. They're the people I hang out with because otherwise, I would be on my own. Conversation revolves around them, and sure it's probably because I ask them about their lives, their weekends, whatever else they get up to. But have they once asked after me? No. Do they care about me? I don't feel cared about.

I don't know what I've done wrong; I've been social, I've done everything I can to join in with things and make the effort. Nobody seems to care. I'm stuck here, away from the people I care about most - family, friends back home.

I can't be myself here - the minute I start behaving "normally" I get odd looks and annoyed glances. I've become as introverted as I was in Highschool.

Also, I hate this stupid year of stuff I don't even care about. I'm paying to redo my A-levels. Whoo, fucking, hoo. Ok, I like Biology, but I wanted to progress. I didn't want to sit there for 50 minutes learning about the sodding lac operon. How the chuff is it relevent to zoology? Search me.

I feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm miserable 80% of my time here. I'm in tears for about 60% of that. Everyone at home seems to be so cold towards me I wonder what the heck I've done wrong. It's like I really don't have anything to live for anymore.

Shelved

Yeah, it was pointed out to me by my sister yesterday as I sat vainly trying to hold a conversation with someone over msn

"You always get put on the shelf, don't you?"

I thought about it for a moment, and then nodded sadly. Yes, yes I do.

The worst thing about it was that I've only recently realised how often I get put onto one side so that 'more important' people get seen to first. What is it about -me- that means I'm not deserving of first place? I notice that over the years I'm becoming less of the caring person I was, and more of this bitter personality that seems to have no time for anyone; but why should I give my all when nobody gives back?

I notice myself butting in with rude comments when holding a conversation with my own mother. A drunken (on her behalf), rambling conversation, but even so I should have held my tongue like I used to; I find myself getting wound up when she makes her point, rambles round the subject, makes the point again, repeat ad nauseum. I will rephrase the point, in a louder, hurried, annoyed voice. If she doesn't get the hint, I'll tell her 'yes I understand'. I seem to have lost the ability to sit there and let her talk, I just don't seem to care anymore.

Perhaps I've cracked, perhaps I've had enough of being the person who has to put up with everyone else's problems, and who never gets what I give back. I want to be a nice person, but I'm sick of being interrupted, talked over, pushed to one side.

I'm sick of being put on the shelf all the time.

This doesn't mean, of course, that I want to be the centre of attention, all I ask is for my friends and relations to sometimes take into consideration that perhaps -I- want to talk about myself for once; while their anecdote might be funnier/more interesting/wackier/more amazing, shouldn't they show a little consideration beyond the 'hi how are you?' shouldn't they actually take an interest in my life, like I do in theirs?

I'm not the most interesting person in the world, but I do have feelings.

Fresher's flu

URGH.

I feel like death.

One, I still haven't recovered from Karate - my arm, neck and rib muscles are so stiff it makes me feel like an old person. It hurts to cough, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to walk, it hurts just sitting here not doing anything. On top of this I have a fever, I feel drowsy from the pain meds (which aren't working), I have this occasionally really runny nose. I have a banging headache. I dragged myself into lectures, and I dragged myself round town with Cat. (Who is actually like... so riddled with medical problems my little bout of 'cold' isn't even worth mentioning really)

I'm supposed to be going out tomorrow night. I'm so ill it isn't even funny. Nobody else understands proper sympathy, so I'm ranting in this blog. xD

On another note, I'll probably put all my HP fanart I draw on a whim up in this blog. I don't think it's something I want to get associated with on DeviantART