Conclusion

Well, I think I've finally come to my conclusion about university.


I hate it here.

I absolutely, utterly, sodding hate it here.

Why is it when I look on Facebook, everyone has photos taken of them depicting happy, lots of friends, laughing, joking... etc. I have 9 photos of me. 9.

Ok, I shouldn't be using a website to judge the state of my life, but it isn't just that. Sure, I have friends, but they're not very good friends. They're the people I hang out with because otherwise, I would be on my own. Conversation revolves around them, and sure it's probably because I ask them about their lives, their weekends, whatever else they get up to. But have they once asked after me? No. Do they care about me? I don't feel cared about.

I don't know what I've done wrong; I've been social, I've done everything I can to join in with things and make the effort. Nobody seems to care. I'm stuck here, away from the people I care about most - family, friends back home.

I can't be myself here - the minute I start behaving "normally" I get odd looks and annoyed glances. I've become as introverted as I was in Highschool.

Also, I hate this stupid year of stuff I don't even care about. I'm paying to redo my A-levels. Whoo, fucking, hoo. Ok, I like Biology, but I wanted to progress. I didn't want to sit there for 50 minutes learning about the sodding lac operon. How the chuff is it relevent to zoology? Search me.

I feel like I'm wasting my time. I'm miserable 80% of my time here. I'm in tears for about 60% of that. Everyone at home seems to be so cold towards me I wonder what the heck I've done wrong. It's like I really don't have anything to live for anymore.

By the pricking of my thumbs...

We had our second human biology practical today; this time, haemotology and blood analysis.

It was a cool practical; taking our own blood, doing stuff with it to determine

1) Haemoglobin concentration
2) Packed Cell Volume
3) RBC count
4) WBC count
5) Blood type

Funny/interesting facts about my blood today included;

1) I'm O+. I knew I was O, but I didn't know I had the rhesus factor. Which was kinda cool.
2) The normal WBC count in a female is 9x10^9. I had 16x10^9. (and as I would comment on that; lol.)

It either means that 1) I have some serious ass immune system going on
2) I'm coming down with a cold ._. and I was sneezing today in lectures. Hahah.

My thumb is bruised and stuff though; it didn't exactly hurt all that much when you pricked your thumb with the spring loaded needle, but afterwards it did because it's bruised and wounded. I'm sort of a fiend for squidging more blood out of my wounds though so... this practical wasn't really anything out of the ordinary in that respect.

Cambridge

Last week was reading week here at Manchester University, which means that we have a week free of lectures to (not surprisingly) read. Of course, with time off there was also one extra thing I wanted to do; not having seen Finn for around six weeks was tough, and we both came to the conclusion it was high time to see each other.

Of course, Finn was still in the middle of his term (which was an 'oh noes!' length of 8 weeks, but they work about ten times as hard as we do - imagine having a school week compressed into a day, and having to go in on a Saturday. Nightmare situation.), but that didn't really matter to me. (And I hope it didn't matter to him either).

Anyway, the train journey down was uneventful save for one change. I went from Manchester - Doncaster - Peterborough, then I should have finally gone on to Cambridge. But upon arriving at Peterborough, I found my train had been cancelled and there wasn't one for around another hour, with no guarantee it was going to run. I think some sort of guardian angel was smiling down at me that day since I somehow bumped into a group of sensible twenty-something bordering 30 year olds who lived in Cambridge, and also happened to be going the same way. I learnt that I could get a train to Ely and then to Cambridge, which would have me arriving at Cambridge station earlier than waiting for the next train.

After Finn picked me up from the station, I got the tour around his college (st.Catharine's) and once he'd finished his work I got taken to the bar, where I met Ruud, one of Finn's friends from the Czech Republic. One thing I noticed was how all of Finn's friends seem really warm and friendly - and I began drawing parallels to how I don't really have it the same way back home. At first, I felt some what of an outsider to this strange, courteous place, where people actually cared what I had to say for myself. But I soon settled in and began to feel a bit more relaxed around everyone - although Finn was probably the garnering factor in all that.

And of course, getting to meet his new friends wasn't a patch on actually being able to spend time with him. I can't express just how well I was looked after while I was there; taken out for dinner, someone making sure I was alright being left on my own for odd periods etc... It didn't matter if we were sitting in his room both working, or in one of his many lectures - just being -with- him made everything seem alright again. I must admit up to that point I had been feeling pretty isolated and depressed about living in Manchester, but the week completely relaxed and resettled me, and thanks to Finn I feel a million times better about everything. True, I'm snowed under with work that's been piled on since I came back, and I have a lot of stuff to sort out - but because I've seen him I can cope with it.

In retrospect, the week wasn't long enough; just to have a few more days to get used to the fact I was going to be jolted back to my little reality would have been nice. Our goodbyes were too short because I had to jump on the train as it was leaving, and since then I've felt oddly alone again - like I'm missing an arm almost. It's also odd to not have the comforting presence of your boyfriend sleeping behind you anymore, but I'll survive.

I only have to wait another 5 weeks.

My Daemon

Shelved

Yeah, it was pointed out to me by my sister yesterday as I sat vainly trying to hold a conversation with someone over msn

"You always get put on the shelf, don't you?"

I thought about it for a moment, and then nodded sadly. Yes, yes I do.

The worst thing about it was that I've only recently realised how often I get put onto one side so that 'more important' people get seen to first. What is it about -me- that means I'm not deserving of first place? I notice that over the years I'm becoming less of the caring person I was, and more of this bitter personality that seems to have no time for anyone; but why should I give my all when nobody gives back?

I notice myself butting in with rude comments when holding a conversation with my own mother. A drunken (on her behalf), rambling conversation, but even so I should have held my tongue like I used to; I find myself getting wound up when she makes her point, rambles round the subject, makes the point again, repeat ad nauseum. I will rephrase the point, in a louder, hurried, annoyed voice. If she doesn't get the hint, I'll tell her 'yes I understand'. I seem to have lost the ability to sit there and let her talk, I just don't seem to care anymore.

Perhaps I've cracked, perhaps I've had enough of being the person who has to put up with everyone else's problems, and who never gets what I give back. I want to be a nice person, but I'm sick of being interrupted, talked over, pushed to one side.

I'm sick of being put on the shelf all the time.

This doesn't mean, of course, that I want to be the centre of attention, all I ask is for my friends and relations to sometimes take into consideration that perhaps -I- want to talk about myself for once; while their anecdote might be funnier/more interesting/wackier/more amazing, shouldn't they show a little consideration beyond the 'hi how are you?' shouldn't they actually take an interest in my life, like I do in theirs?

I'm not the most interesting person in the world, but I do have feelings.

Conscience

For those people who read this, I'm now feeling much much better. Tired, snowed under with work that I can't be arsed to do right now, but better. Today I'm going to tell you about something that happened to me as I was walking home today.

Yes, I've decided that while the weather's still nice, I shall indeed walk the mile or whatever into university every day, and walk home again. It's exercise, the route's fairly nice if you go through the park, it's busy so it's safe(ish), and it saves me money. I get up no earlier to do it anyway, and I'm enjoying it so far.

Anyway. Today I was walking home 'on my own' because the other zoologists who live in Owen's Park had a few things to patch up, and I wanted to go because I hate faffing around and wasting time when there's places I want to go. As I was going through rusholme I paid little attention to the man dressed in the expensive dolce clothing, talking on his rather flashy mobile phone. That was until a crisp £20 note fell out of his pocket directly onto the pavement infront of me.

I stopped, I picked it up. I began thinking about what I could spend with this £20; it was esentially one or two weeks budget, I could buy that book I needed without chipping into my savings, I could buy food, warm clothes... Looking briefly back at the man I saw a wadge of notes sticking out of his pocket. He wouldn't miss £20...

But no, I caught up with him and after handing the note back to him, pointed out that perhaps he shouldn't keep so much money in his pocket, especially walking through an area like that where thieves and muggers operate. He briefly thanked me for my help and checked the road behind him in a momentary panic - I reassured him that this was the only note he'd dropped.

*sigh* Sometimes I wish I didn't have a conscience.

Fresher's flu

URGH.

I feel like death.

One, I still haven't recovered from Karate - my arm, neck and rib muscles are so stiff it makes me feel like an old person. It hurts to cough, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to walk, it hurts just sitting here not doing anything. On top of this I have a fever, I feel drowsy from the pain meds (which aren't working), I have this occasionally really runny nose. I have a banging headache. I dragged myself into lectures, and I dragged myself round town with Cat. (Who is actually like... so riddled with medical problems my little bout of 'cold' isn't even worth mentioning really)

I'm supposed to be going out tomorrow night. I'm so ill it isn't even funny. Nobody else understands proper sympathy, so I'm ranting in this blog. xD

On another note, I'll probably put all my HP fanart I draw on a whim up in this blog. I don't think it's something I want to get associated with on DeviantART

Return to the way of the open hand

I decided, as it's generally frowned upon if you don't do some sort of sport at university, that I would pick karate back up. The trouble was, as I looked around the various sports groups, the only type of karate they did was shotokan. Shotokan is one of the strictest forms of karate; I learnt freestyle, which is a mixture of traditional karate, ju-jitsu (wrestling), kendo, and general self-defence.

The differences between my style and the style I was about to begin learning became apparent at the beginning of the lesson. As he told us to form lines, I wandered over to a spot at the front, only to be approached by a brown belt who quietly told me I should move to stand over with the black belts. Ok, you may have thought that forming lines according to belt rank was a bit of a no brainer, but in my club it was ok if you just stood anywhere. Generally the rule of thumb was that the senior belts would form a line at the back (black, brown and purple) and the intermediate belts and beginner belts would go to the front. But here we formed strict lines with black belts at the left of the hall, decending in rank to the right.

Another thing; it was all in frikkin' Japanese. So after we had warmed up (my lazy muscles complaining rather loudly as I stretched them for the first time in 2 years), he was asking the black belts to do twice the amount of work than the other belts, but he was asking us to perform moves I knew, but couldn't understand. I was alright, copying other people and thankfully he didn't berate me on my technique (he stopped another 'new' blackbelt; one from shotokan apparently, and one who hadn't, like stopped training like I had) and told her the way she blocked was incorrect.

Anyway, I had fun and I'll definately go back. I'll perhaps join in the beginner's class until I find my feet though. I knew what to do, it was just hard understanding what was being asked.


(Lol, this post was interrupted by a fire alarm. Someone had burnt their toast)

The Zoo Crew

Haha yes, that's what Cat dubbed the group of us that have all seemed to band together. I think she meant the term to encompass all the students who have taken zoology, but I can't see all 27 or so of us getting together every day; there were about ten of us I can envision hanging out on a regular basis.

Lectures started today, I had my first 'physiology' and 'genes and evolution' lectures. Most of it was stuff I'd already covered in A-level, so it wasn't too taxing. Didn't stop me from taking notes though. My work finishing at 2, after finishing off a few things (like collecting a rape alarm, it was free), I headed back to try off and warm up; having been so kindly splashed by a passing car on my way to the roscoe building that morning.

At some point, I will write up my lectures notes, most probably tonight. I know I probably don't need to seeing as once I get hold of my biology notes, they'll suffice. But it's good to get into the habit isn't it?

Also, totally -not- looking forward to the 3hr lab sessions I'm going to have to endure every friday D:

Free trips

Wednesday and Thursday this week were free trip days organised by the zoology department at Manchester. Man, free trips definately signal awesome department.

Wednesday saw us being taken to Chester Zoo. I've always loved the zoo - least of all because it's a chance to see all those animals I wouldn't ever see; I've barely gone anywhere more exotic than Greece (awesome as it was). Dissapointingly, I never ever see any civets* at the zoo, definately my favourite animal if I had to choose. But I did see a handful of others that I still really like. I guess I'm a little like Finn in the way that, when I see an animal, my mind starts going about how they feed, what they're related to, how they evolved...etc. But yes, firm favourites were the flamingoes, the drowning rhino (joking, she was taking a mud bath), the bat cave (I love bats), and surprisingly, the orangutan called Emma who came to see what we were all doing.

Chester zoo has recently had a new orangutan enclosure, which I highly recommend going to see. It's a vast improvement on the old one - which was little more than a dingy hangar and a little island with a few sad looking climbing frames. Now, you find yourself walking up a sloping track, to enter the building and look -down- into the enclosures. Ropes hang from the ceiling, grass and plants cover the floor, and trees are dotted around. At the far end there is a platform which obviously gives the orangs somewhere 'safe' to sleep. (Orangs build nests in trees for the night; they won't sleep on the ground). Now, this is all well and good, but when one orang swung up on the ropes to perch precariously at the viewing window (with a 20ft or more drop below her) , just to see what this one girl was doing on her phone... well it was something special really.

http://www.worldwander.com/southafrica/civet.jpg

Conversely the aquarium was somewhat of a let down after having experienced that. But nevertheless I still had a good time; my faveourite parts of the day had to be
1) watching the sea horses - anything hippocampus is so amazing
2) that catfish (yes, the one which was larger than my armspan)
3) the underwater tunnel where you could get up close to sharks

and at the top - the ray pool. Rays are so nice to stroke, they're like wet velvet almost. As soon as I walked over to their tank they started poking their noses out and swimming over to see me. And this got me thinking; did they do this in the wild, or did they actually want the attention like a cat or dog? The latter thought I dismissed - after all, they are only fish. They don't have much in the way of frontal lobes, not exceedingly intelligent imo to 'want' attention. But I asked the man on duty and he said that they actually DO enjoy a backscratch.

Word to the wise; if you're stroking a ray DO NOT stroke them underneath. If your finger happens to go into their mouth, the suction is so great you'll free your finger to find it stripped to the bone. No joking. No exaggerating.


--

1. Do you like looking at stars?

Love looking at stars. It never ceases to amaze me when you look up on a clear night and the expanse of the sky stretches 360 degrees around you in this gargantuan dome, with pinprick stars glinting - I love finding constellations I know. It's sort of a small obsession with me I guess, no prizes to who I got it from


2. Who do you say "I love you" to?

My Dad, Mum, Sister and Finn


3. Did you say "good night!" to anyone last night?

Yup - mum


4. When is the last time you felt blue?

Kinda when I was missing Finn, he went on holiday for a long, long time.


5. Tell us one of your dreams:

Haha, I had a HP dream the other night. I was a death eater, and I stood by and watched Lucius Malfoy being crucio'd. And I really wanted to help him, but of course I couldn't because I'd get into trouble. =/

1. Butterbeer or pumpkin juice?

Butterbeer. It sounds so tasty - I imagine it tasting sort of like what you get when you have pancakes and syrup and butter all melted together.

2. What House would you most likely (or want to) be in in Hogwarts?

I think (personally) I'm a Ravenclaw, but most likely I'd be in Hufflepuff :

sorry but that house is so lameass.

3. If you were an animagus, what animal would you turn into?

Hmm... do we have control over animagus forms? I'd probably be something utterly useless like a flamingo. I'd quite like to be a civet, because they are my all time faveourite animals.

Random thought - what if someone's animagus form was a fish? D:

4. What character do you empathize with, or resemble best?

Empathise? Snape totally xD I know what it's like to be ganged up on and bullied like that ... man. Except I didn't become all twisted and bitter about it, I sort of got on with my life. Snape's such a looser but you've gotta love him for it. I mean, his patronus was a doe for crying out loud, that's like he was admitting he knew that Lily was destined for James.

5. What position do you play at Quidditch?

Erm... I'd probably such at Quidditch just like any other sport. But being a beater sounds quite good - I remember being ok at rounders so it's just like that really isn't it?

6. Which teacher is your favorite?

Aww man, there's about four I think are just so awesome. McGonnagol pwns major ass, Quirrel is like... xD awesome and Remus well, he's really cool until he loses said coolness.

7. Any Harry Potter 7 predictions?

I predicted the marauders would die in the reverse order their names appear on the marauders map. For some reason I've always thought this and I don't know why.

I knew that Snape was good - sorry, just too obvious I'm afraid

I didn't think Harry was a Horcrux because it sounded so lame and contrived, but I could understand the reasoning behind it and kinda anticipated that one.

Blah. I thought Hagger was going to die too.

Harry Potter meme

Harry Potter Meme of All Memes by Osaku
Name/Username
Age
Gender
House	Slytherin
Wand	Oak, 12", Phoenix Feather
Best Course	Potions
Worst Course	Herbology
Pet	Great Horned Owl
Patronus	Raven
Quidditch Job	Keeper
Wizard Candy	Pumpkin Pasties
Profession After School	Hogwarts Professor

I'm not a Slytherin D:

*does not want*

Last day

Before I go to uni S:

Today's been filled with washing, packing, ripping (music onto the laptop), eating (pancakes...mmm) checking (the list)... urgh.

I just want to -go- I don't want all this hassle xD

Strange happenings on 9/11

Ok, perhaps it was 'just one of those days'. But this has to be one of the strangest things I've ever seen on a public bus before, possibly rivalling the sparkly lady. (Don't ask)


I had a driving lesson today. I have one every Tuesday, but I have to catch the bus into town especially for it. Mad I know; it completely defeats the point (or maybe emphasises it?) of learning to drive. But my driving instructor refuses to come out to pick me up because I live too far away. Anyway, this isn't the interesting point of the story.

Around 1/3 of my journey, between the hospital and thongsbridge, I heard a loud voice exclaim

'STOP THE BUS'

Of course, I looked up from my metro to see exactly who was making said noise, and why they had not simply pressed the bell like anyone else would. Then again, the sight that greeted me was far from ordinary.

It was a man dressed in an impeccable black two-piece suit, complete with crisp white shirt, black tie and black shades. While this might not have been unusual in itself, when the bus finally stopped, he got stiffly to his feet and walked to the doors in a manner I can only describe as 'mechanical' (seriously, almost exactly how you would imagine a robot to walk). When he reached the doors he stood there for around thirty seconds, before shuffling forwards millimetre by millimetre, again mechanically stepping down from the bus onto the pavement, and carrying on down the road; still walking in that funny way.

First thing that came into my mind?

The matrix has you.

Ok so...

I'm being a really sad person and reading all the HP books through. I said it was something I would do when they all came out, and right now I'm reading Goblet of Fire, but it's slow work.

When I think of the series, I tend to think of the first three books being a kinda 'story' and the last three books kinda being a 'story' and Goblet of fire is just the crummy book in the middle that I don't really have much of a love for.

I mean, IMHO the first three books are all about Harry's introduction into the wizarding world, and him finding out who he is and why he is, where he is (woah... that was a confusing and awful sentence). And the general message of the books is kinda like a child's view of the world

'some adults are bad/annoying, some adults are good/cool. The adults that are cool are the ones that 'let you get away with stuff'. There's some bad stuff happening in the world but it doesn't matter because the grown ups take care of it all'

But the last three books are all about what Harry -does- about his situation. Now that he knows who he is, he set out to do something... about it? And I think the message of the last three books is;

'adults have flaws; even the good ones. The bad ones are bad for a reason, just as the good ones all have skeletons in the closet. There's some bad stuff happening in the world and we can't expect the adults to deal with it by themselves.'

At least, that's the kinda message I got. The fourth book, to me, is just a fun diversion. It's pointless, ok, so Voldemort comes back. SO WHAT. You could have had him coming back in the 3rd book, or at the beginning of the 5th. *shrug* aah well, time to go read through another four chapters of Spew.

The Books in Order from Favorite to Least Favorite:
1. Deathly Hallows
2. The Prizoner of Azkaban
3. Half Blood Prince (I know, I said I hated it. I'm allowed to change my opinion!)
4. Philosopher's Stone (Quirrel <3)
5. Order of the Phoenix
6. Goblet of Fire
7. Chamber of Secrets


Number of Times You Have Read the Series:
1. 4ish
2. 3
3. 6 or 7
4. 3
5. 2
6. 2
7. 1


Favorite Chapter from Your Favorite Book:

The Prince's Tale. Oh my god that was -such- a sad chapter. Sorry, it's been over fantarded
over but it's my personal faveourite


Five Favorite Characters:
Lupin, Snape, Quirrell, (I have a thing for male DADA teachers, don't I?) Lucius Malfoy, HAGGER!

Three Least Favorite Characters:
Harry, Hermione, Rufus Scrimgeour

Favorite Member of the Trio:
*twitch* I hate them all ¬¬ ... Ron?

Three Favorite Magical Creatures:
Dragons, Thestrals, Phoenixes

Favorite Family:
x) the Malfoys

Favorite Villain:
Voldy

Favorite Death Eater:
Bwahaha, Snape.

Favorite Non-Hogwarts Magical Building:
The Burrow?

Favorite Diagon Alley Location:
Ollivanders! =D

Three Favorite Spells:
Sectumsempra
Levicorpus
Langlock

Three Favorite Potions:
Amortentia
Polyjuice potion
Felix Felicis

Favorite Unforgivable Curse:
Avada Kedavra!

Favorite Department of Mysteries Room:
Has to be the Brain Room. Accio Brain!

Biggest Surprise:
Um... that Hagrid didn't die. And that Lupin and Tonks died...

Biggest Letdown:
Oh so many.
1) Lupin in book 7... enough said.
2) Hermione didn't die
3) Harry didn't die
4) She still managed to write in some crappo Dumbly scene in book 7 even after he'd died

Favorite Mode of Transportation:
HAGGER... I mean Thestral!

Favorite Weasley:
Omfg I think they're all great. ARTHUR!

Favorite Order Member:
Bwahahah Snape. And HAGGER

Favorite pet:
Snape.. no
HAGGER...no

Hedwig ;-;

One Character You’d Bring Back to Life:
Snape! Actually no... the repercussions would be bad.

Harry; So... you like my eyes do you? *wink wink nudge nudge*

Moment That Will Always Make You Cry:

Urgh. My fave chapter of course! Prince's Tale. :c

Favorite Hogwarts Room:
Dumbly's office.

Favorite Class:
Defence Against the Dark Arts - most of the time it was taught by a hawt teacher.

I kid. It's Care of Magical Creatures

HAGGER URGE

Favorite Teacher:
Grr, toss up between Snape and Lupin. And Hagger.

DADA teacher:
Quirrell, Snape, Lupin?... how does one choose?

Least Favorite Teacher:
Binns D:

Favorite Non-Human Hogwarts Resident:
Firenze x) in my head he's like... Legolas with hooves.

Favorite Hogsmeade Location:
Zonkos

Favorite Triwizard Champion:
omfg... Krum xD monobrow man!

Favorite Triwizard Task:
The lake bit

Which Character You’d Ask to the Yule Ball:
... x)

Which Character You’d Like to Use a Love Potion On:
None of them D:

Which Character You’d Like to Use Veritaserum On:
Snape. Oh the fun xD

How Long You Have Been a HP Fan:
Since I read the third book. Yes it took that long for me to be converted I'll admit! D:

Favorite Wizard Rock Band:
There's only one I can think of.

Number of Midnight Releases You Have Attended:
Craig's faveourite number, just one.

Favorite HP Website:
Um... acciobrain!

Most Ridiculous Potter Theory You’ve Heard:
Snape is bad. (hahaha you fools!)

Character You’re Most Like:
Prolly a mixture of Peeves and Snape, unfortunately. I have biting sarcasm but I'm completely batshit insane with it ¬¬...

House You Think You’d Be Sorted Into:
Ravenclaw

Your Patronus Would Be A:
Flamingo

To You, Amortentia Would Smell Like:
Pretties.

You’d Use Felix Felicis To:
Win the lottery? D:

The Job You Would Most Like to Try:
x) I'd wanna work in the brain room. Or being a healer, that would be cool.

Which You Would Rather See — a Sequel or a Prequel:
Prequel, something marauders era

The Movies in Order from Favorite to Least Favorite:
5th.
1st for the lulz (no dear boi... I'm a wha...what? etc)
then all the others are crudtastic. I hate the 3rd one. ;/

Animagus or Metamorphmagus:
Animagus

Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans or Chocolate Frogs:
Chocolate Frogs

Black or Lupin:
Lupin!

CAPSLOCK HARRY or Emo!Harry:
The hell?
Bringingsexyback!Harry. (Blythe will know what I mean)

Death Eaters or Dumbledore’s Army:
Dumbledore's Army!

Draco or Lucius:
Omfg Blythe you little malfoy traitor you. Everyone knows Lucius is the best.

Durmstrang or Beaubaxtons:
Dumstrang. Beaubaxtons are French! WHY WOULD YOU PICK THEM?!

Floo powder or Broom:
Broom

Fred or George: BOTH

Grimmauld Place or The Burrow: The Burrow

Herbology or Care of Magical Creatures: The Latter

Hippogriffs or Thestrals: Thestrals

Invisibility cloak or Pensieve: Pensieve

Mermish or Parselmouth: Mermish ;-;

Occlumency or Legilimency: Occlumency

Peeves or Nearly Headless Nick: NHN forever baby. <3

Peter Pettigrew or Mundungus Fletcher: eww they both make me want to hide. Peter?

Professor Binns or Professor Umbridge: Umbridge, you can't kill Binns (unfortunately)

S.P.E.W or the Inquisitorial Squad: omfg neither.

The Ministry of Magic or Gringotts: Gringotts!

Three Broomsticks or The Leaky Cauldron: Leaky Cauldron

Werewolf or Inferus: Werewolf

Whomping Willow or Flying Ford Anglia: FFA

Yule Ball or Quidditch Championship: Yule Ball!

Twig

I think it's only fitting that I myself write an honourary post in memory of my sister's cat Twig. I feel it would be dishonourable to do any different, although I could write about my results, this should come first.

Of course it's different writing from the perspective of, quite literally, the outsider. But I know how heartwrenchingly painful it is to lose a pet you loved so dearly. Even though he was not my cat I was still deeply saddened by his loss; he was one of a kind.

Never have I known such an amiable, laid back personality. He even retained that love of play that so many cats lose, and he had no fear - not even when terrorised by a six week old jack russell puppy. He just went with it and played with her.

It's going to be hard for my sister; wounds of this sort only ease with time. Twig will be sorely missed, and it is cruel that he was taken from Blythe years before his time.

Results :D

AACC

A in Biology and Chemistry, C in physics (2 marks of a B). C in General Cruddies.

I'm going to Manchester :D!

KittyKattys

We went to Chester today - one just for a day out, and two because the Chester and North Wales catshow was on. It was great, and perfect weather for such an occasion. We walked round the old walls of the city (known as the Chester wall walk), and had an icecream by the river while we watched the ducks and seagulls and stuff. (I was tempted to have a stem ginger icecream but in the end opted for chocolate).

The catshow itself brought back memories I can tell you, the smell of the place was one thing. Hot, vaguely cat weey and fur smell. Although I was sort of dissapointed we didn't see much else apart from siamese and persians. Then again you can take it as read that the majority of cats shown at these things fall into one of those two categories. Still, there was some other very pretty things there, and some very friendly ones. It always annoys me because you're not allowed to stroke them (and it's hard keeping your hands to yourself!) but you wouldn't want to spread some sort of disease and it's just politeness really. I mean, if I was showing my cats I wouldn't want the general public poking and prodding at them endlessly.

Still. There were a few cats/kittens there I would have -gladly- snuck off with ;3

And then they were gone

The butterflies flew the nest today. Since the last two chrysalises hatched this morning I decided, since it was nice and sunny, that I really should let them go.

So here are some pictures =D

Pretty, aren't they?

Flutterbyes =D!

5 hatched so far, looks like there might be three more to come. I saw most of them actually hatch, and now they're just sort of sitting there wafting their wings and crawling about. Quite pretty really - pictures coming soon

PatterKillers (8 (day one)

Yay! We went to pick up my caterpillars today from the post office. Apparently I got the 'big set' which means I get two tubs with 5 caterpillars in each. They weren't moving at first but now one or two wriggle around periodically and start feeding on the creamy goo stuff they've got at the bottom of the pot. It's a bit gross but it's mesmerising to watch them.

One pot has caterpillars that are bigger and beefier, in the second pot I think two are dead. There's a really -really- tiny one in the middle of the pot that hasn't made an indent in the food and hasn't made itself a home from web (like the others have) and there's a weird one that's crawled part way up the side and hasn't moved yet. It's all pale compared to the others and doesn't have any spikes (this one also automatically made me think FAIL)

I do have a faveourite. In the beefy pot lot there's one that ventured out of the web home for a bit and started munching away in pastures anew. I like that one, it's not so much a wimp. ;D

Harry Potter 7

Well, don't wanna know don't read for a start. But I have to write this somewhere.



Oh my god it was fucking AWESOME.
I read it in 7 hours, and I still haven't gone to sleep (8 I can't, too much adrenaline and caffiene in my system. After the inital adrenaline from finishing the book (and only one cup of tea), I have had 2 cups of coffee this morning. lol.

Anywho, my thoughts and feelings overall? Well, I thought the beginning and end were amazing, JK included so much cool stuff, so many answers to the burning questions I'm sure many fans will have had after book 6. The middle? Not so hot, but she kept it interesting for me so I'm not complaining - I think reading about the trio being stuck in a tent for most of it, at like 3am just got a bit dull after a while.

Deaths. So many D: I wanted to cry at most of them, but I held back the tears until Fred died, not because it was specifically him, just because at that point it was getting to me how many characters were gone. Hedwig made me very sad indeed, I was pissed off when she just glossed over Remus + Tonks dying, but I think perhaps it was for the best. Remus was JK's faveourite afterall and I bet that was hard for her to write.

Mind you, I had had it spoiled slightly for me when a friend of mine told me a number alluding to the amount of people who die. I'm guessing she was referring to main characters, because more than 12 people died overall, I made a list and everything afterwards just to see if she was right.

1) That Muggle Studies teacher
2) Hedwig
3) Rufus Scrimgeour
4) Dobby
5) Peter Pettigrew
6) Remus
7) Tonks
8) Fred
9) Moldyshorts... I mean Voldemort
10) Ted Tonks
11) Snape
12) Bellatrix
13) Fenrir Greyback
14) Mad Eye Moody

So I'm guessing she didn't count the muggle studies teacher and Ted

Also, I loved how we were told people's patronuses, I loved the chapter on Snape, Lily and Petunia, I loved the part where Lupin threw a tantrum (not sure I'm keen on the name of his kid though... Teddy wtf that's a stupid name)

Although I liked the epilogue, it was confusing with all the names like Albus Severus, Lily and James. I loved how she wrote in Harry's memories from the previous books.

last thought - is snape an animagus w/the whole bat thing? o_O

Moar timelordz plzkthx.

Daw, well on one note I've finished my exams. No more formal education ever, or indeed, education of any kind until September when I will hopefully be going to Manchester Uni. (Fingers crossed)

--

On another note, Dr.Who (revived) series 3 finished on Saturday. And this is probably going to encompass how I feel about it all.

Ok, I'm always sad when a series finishes, but is it just me or has this one been particually good? I think it was up to par with the first definately, series two just didn't make the mark, but this one.... I liked it. When I look at DT now onscreen I think, 'yeah, he's the Doctor.' It's taken me a while, moreso than it had done with CE, because I think he didn't know how exactly he wanted to play him. I hated the thing he had going on with the happy! angry! happy again! Every three minutes. This series he seemed to have calmed down a little and begun to behave as the Doctor should, everything in moderation.

Also, I'm glad they finally ditched Rose. Don't get me wrong, I loved her when she was companion to the 9th, but then it all went horribly wrong. It was a good move to bring in Martha, even though I thought origionally I would hate her, afterall, I find I'm mostly indifferent, but I kind of like her. (I also origionally said I would hate DT for a long time, so I think I'm only making a fuss when I say things like that... although it did take me a series and a half to get used to emodoctah and his gravity defying hair...)

I think it was the last couple episodes that really made me feel as though this series rocked. Though.

fdfghuigbd.... revision

Yup, it is that time of year again when I lock myself away in my room and force myself to do revision. Not going to have a repeat of last year, when I thought 'oh, it'll be ok - I'm a smart person, I don't need to do -that- much revision'

How wrong I was. How arrogant.

The thing is, I know I'm not stupid (even though many people secretly think this because of the way I act around them, and because they don't understand that my innocent, airheaded remarks are pure sarcasm.. perhaps I should cut that out), and I know I'm very hardworking when I want to be. The thing is finding the motivation to actually do some revision. I guess this year I'm frightening myself into doing it because of what happened last summer, and I really don't want to collect my results slip to find that I have ABCC. I want good grades, I think I'd cry if I got AAB, or even ABB, but conversely if I end up with ABC after all that hard work I don't think I could handle it. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't get the grades I want, and this is the first time ever I've found myself actually stressing over exams.

I've never been stressed, GCSE's, music exams... even AS levels I was complacent, I was worried and I did no revision (for GCSE's I glanced over my revision booklet minutes before a handful of exams...) but last night I felt really stressed when my revision time was interrupted because I got asked to go out next door for a drink. It would have only taken half an hour and that would have been a good break for me, but I just felt so flustered because I had this mantra of 'I must revise' in my head.

urrgh. I hate being stressed.

Circular arguments

I've said previously that I thought that some people purely used me as their Agony Aunt. But deep down, I don't really mind, no matter how little I know the person I feel better after sorting out their problems into a neat little pile of suggestions. Today I was emailed by a friend asking for help - wow. I felt quite honoured to be honest, this was someone I hadn't talked to properly since I fell out with her best friend last year. I hadn't fallen out with her you understand, but we'd drifted apart. I thought I would be the last person she would turn to, but all the same, it was nice to be asked for help when we both knew that I could give her some useful advice.

I say this because her situation had become eerily similar to mine.

I know this seems like a random email, but I just wanted some advice. I
know we don't actually..talk anymore - but I know I can still get some great
thoughts and opinions from your POV. But if you don't have time to
read it or just don't want to, i can understand.

It's basically about Amelia. I'm fed up with her.

Ha - this came as a surprise to me. Cassie and Amelia have been best friends for... well forever as far as we can be concerned. But basically she went on to tell me that every monday and wednesday she had been meeting Amelia in the bus station, to talk and to keep the friendship going (as they went to different colleges). Amelia had suddenly been ignoring her and acting strangely after Cassie had not gone to the bus station for 2 mondays in a row, but this was because

1) her exams were near and she had been going up to college early to revise
2) she had also been looking after another friend of hers that had been in and out of hospital for the past few weeks.

We find out that it was Amelia felt that Cassie was not there for her anymore - a similar problem I had suffered when I met, and began going out with, Finn.

For all I went through, I came out of it thinking I was the bad person. Yet, hearing this, Cassie and I came to the conclusion that it really was Amelia with the problem. Having just solved it, I could write more, but I don't really want to.

Friday Five

Borrowed shamelessly from my Dad's journal :D

1. Turn your head to the right -- what do you see?
The view out of the office window, my sister, the rest of the office...

2. Stand-up -- do you like how tall you are?
I guess, I'm pretty much a short ass but it's never really bothered me. Apart from when people point it out, then I wonder what the big deal is. I think I'm a lot taller than I actually am. :)

3. Do you believe in heaven or hell?
I'd like to believe Heaven was real, but I'm a scientist and rather sceptical so I'd like to see some proof before I make my mind up.

4. What is your favourite piece of jewellery?
That's a tough one, actually. My dad bought me a silver dragon/wyvern necklace from Rhodos when we went there two summers ago, and I adore it so much - I have no outfit to wear it with though (without looking like a hardcore goth) so I'm confined to simply looking at it wistfully and secretly putting it on in my room. ^^
I also have a pentacle necklace from my best friends Nathalie and Leah from a few xmasses ago, which has a beautiful moonstone in it ( ... I haven't the faintest idea where this necklace is actually) but still... it's so pretty. I think I might have lost that one though :/
And I also have a celtic tree rune necklace which probably cost like £3 or something that my mum bought for me when we were in Wales, but I wear it nearly everyday and I really like it even though it's probably plastic and it's not particually pretty.

So all my faveourite pieces of jewellery I usually get funny snide comments for wearing (especially the pentacle, that caused uproar among the xians) but I can't decide between those three because they all mean a lot to me.

5. What is the last thing you took from someone else?
Erm... :B I don't take things, I ask for them, or I'm given them.

Gaming

Gaming has always been one of my most faveourite pastimes. Probably one of my earliest memories is sitting aside my dad in the office (which used to be in the top room of the house), while he worked, I used to play games on another computer one of the first games I played being Robocod. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Pond_2 ) (I also used to remember asking my Dad to help me on the scary levels like bosses, but come on, I was only 2 or 3)

Over the years the platform over which the gaming occurs has changed, (From PC, to Dreamcast to XBOX) but I noticed a few years ago that the type of games I tend to play stick to a handful of genres. I've played everything under the sun, mind - beat 'em ups, FPS, RTS, platformers, RPG... the lot. But I've always tended to sway towards games in the RPG, or Platformer genre, to me, these games are the most 'fun'. There are however a handful of games that have stuck in my mind as being firm faveourites, and if you ever get a chance, I highly recommend them to you. Here are my top ten:

10) Soul Calibur
An old classic in the arcades, the Sega Dreamcast port is hailed as the "greatest fighting game ever made", and by some the greatest game across all genres, so not including this game in my top 10 would be somewhat of a crime. Unlike most fighting games it appeals to both novice and the expert, the controls being simple but having hidden subtleties (the parry function always makes you look pro). There are a whole host of characters (some unlockable giving replayability to the game), each well thought out and well designed, but you're bound to develop some firm faveourites (Voldo ftw!), and well, I just had a laugh playing it really.

9) Phantasy Star Online
The first RPG in my list, and something I really wish I'd actually played online. The story goes that on the planet Coral, endless warring caused a group of people to band together and create the 'Pioneer project'; the search for a new home. Drifting through space, they finally discovered the planet Ragol, which appears at first to be an Eden, but turns out to be Hell. You play as a 'hunter' who's job it is to explore the new planet to determine if it is suitable for habitiation. The game as a whole is your typical RPG, with classes and skills to learn, levels to traverse, in this respect it is your run of the mill type game. But it was the graphics, storyline and overall concept that really grabbed me and made it memorable. Even if you only play it in the offline mode like me, it's worth a look.

8) Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver
Thinking it was kind of cool, after playing the demo, this Action-Adventure did not fail to impress me. In a nutshell, you play as 'fallen' vampire Raziel on a quest to seek revenge on his creator, by fallen, I mean you're no longer a vampire, but a creature who feasts off the souls of his victims. In a nutshell means that until I began playing it and noticing I hadn't a clue who half the characters were, I realised that there had been games previously that contained all the backstory to this title. (This was even more of a problem in Legacy of Kain: Defiance) Nevertheless, despite this and the shoddy graphics, the puzzles in this game actually caused you to think, and I like a game that keeps me going for a good amount of time. Plus there was a lot to explore, and areas that you'd only come across by messing around in the game world, something that was, for me, a huge reward, as I'm the sort of person who enjoys just existing in the world the people create for me.

7) Sonic Adventure
Yeah, you really have to have at least one Sonic title here - this was the first Sonic game in 3d I might add, also being a title in which Sonic (as Finn likes to put it) wasn't all 'yo dudes!'. It was probably the last too. The main story arc was playable through the eyes of six different characters, Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Amy, E-102 Gamma and Big the Cat, so you ended up seeing different story points, which all concluded at the end - I thought this was a huge incentive to play each character. There were two modes of gameplay interspersed throughout the game, Action stages (which are your basic sonicesque levels) and Adventure fields (which you explored for plot advancement, containing character power ups and puzzle solving elements). It was a game I had a lot of fun playing, although it didn't last terribly long in my hands. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonic_Adventure

6) Stranger's Wrath
The last title produced by Oddworld Inhabitants, for me this was too little of a good thing. I was really dissapointed when I completed this, because it was so short, but the actual game itself was superb. While previous Oddworld titles had you playing the underdog, this time you were playing as the top of the pile guy, which made for an interesting and fun change. Also, the developers seemed to have finally gotten the hang of a 3d world after the mistakes they made in Munch's Oddysee, this world was stunning in comparison - you really got the feel of the changing landscapes. Whereas in Munch it tended to be a little samey, in Stranger's Wrath we had first the desolate, dusty wilderness reminiscent of the wild west, changing to towering pine forests and finally a frigid snowy wasteland. This was the first title after Abe's Oddysee that I felt truly captured the spirit of Oddworld, I got shivers down my spine just looking at the place, never mind playing in it. Plus, as usual the humor, the fast paced action and the general solid gameplay returned, this time with FPS elements aswell as the usual problem solving action and adventure elements. What I also liked was the 'save the planet' message in the game, as there has been in every title so far, the end was very haunting. Definately a game worthy of being in my top ten.

5) Guild Wars
What? Guild Wars only comes 5th? I'm afraid so, there are four more games I have to place above it, but it was tough to decide if I was going to place this on position 4 or not. The second RPG on my list, this one is an MMORPG, and of which I actually played (and still play) online. I've had a lot of fun playing it, and it's probably the one I've played most solidly over the longest period of time. It seems I just can't get enough, and with the addition of the expansion packs every half a year, it just keeps on dragging me back for more. It's also great to have a game I can play with more than one friend - I love being in a team with people from college, and playing with Finn is just the best.

4) Ecco the Dolphin: Defender of the Future
My god this was a beautiful game. The first game I had played infact, that the developers had actually managed to make water look like water. The underwater world itself was lush and alive, and I liked the gameplay - as a dolphin, you had to resurface from time to time to breathe, and you replenished your life by actually hunting shoals of fish, different fish being more beneficial. You could also learn to communicate with the different 'friendly' species in the game as you went through each level, Turtles, Manta Rays etc... making them follow you and perform various functions. And while you may think this game sounds like a walk in the park, it was tough - I actually had to complete it with a walkthrough at one point after being stuck on it for several months, which is something I've never had to do previously or since. The storyline was also a strong point in this game, written by author David Brin, it will appeal immensely (and somewhat unusually) to sci-fi fans (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ecco_the_Dolphin:_Defender_of_the_Future) There really isn't anything else I can say about this game, everything was brilliant about it, it is however, a game you will play just once. After completion it's not something you can likely face again, it is a marathon to complete.

3) Xmen: Legends
The highest selling Xmen title of all time, Xmen legends is another RPG to add to the repetoire. I picked this up for about £10 thinking 'oh well, if it's not very good it doesn't really matter'. But it was the most fun I'd had from a game for such a long time. It's just great to be able to pick your four faveourite xmen and play as a team with them, and the added bonus of them having unique powers (not just standard everyone has a version of the same) just makes it all the more fun; you have to have a flying character, a character that can weld stuff, build bridges, attack close up, attack at range... plus they even had gambit chucking cards around which was great. My only two annoyances with this game was a little awkward multiplayer, the camera was a little dodgy, and the whole story revolved around a character we didn't even care about... magma... come on. But the graphics were great - I love cell shading. It just added to the cartoony feel of it all. It's so high up the list because it far exceeded my expectations, and it came to me at a time I was desperate for something I could just have fun with.

2) Shenmue
Possibly the most innovative game ever created, Shenmue cannot be classed in any of the game genre brackets that exist currently - the company had to create an entirely new one especially for it, FREE (Full Reactive Eyes Entertainment). This was down to the fact that you could do whatever you wanted, go wherever you wanted to and experience real weather patterns (as they were in Japan in 1986/7 or select randomly generated ones) and day/night. Infact, at the time Shenmue was as close to real life as you could get, the company spending around seventy million dollars producing it - the highest cost of creating a game ever at the time. Every time you play this game, it is different - you will never experience the same thing twice (save for the main storyline). You may meet entirely different people depending on where you are on which day, and you remember who people are ('Hey, there's the woman who works at the arcade, going to the supermarket'). And you can interact with virtually everything you see - feeding kittens food you snitched from your fridge at home, playing games at the arcade, catching a bus to go to your job... playing pool in the bar. All the while uncovering clues as to who the mysterious man was who murdered your father, and why he did it. The game spans over a period of about five months, from December 1986 - April 1987 - if you don't complete the game in that time your father's killer returns to finish the job... but you really do have a very long time to complete it in. Especially since you play in real time (1 day = 24 mins approx). A game that really is something very special, it was a shame to play the sequel and find it so boring - and I'm worried that the rest of the story (spanning 16 chapters) is going to go downhill.

1) Abe's Oddysee
There are others futher down the list that are probably more deserving of this number one slot - for one they will have better graphics, more groundbreaking engines or something... this is a simple sidescrolling platformer. This game however, is something really special to me. I don't doubt that this probably has the best story of any game, or at least carries a very important message along with it. It's certainly the story that keeps me coming back to play it over and over again - a slave who escapes from capture to return and free his kind, I just love the happy ending it has and the fact that it draws parallels to our own planet just chills me. Every game in the series has some sort of message about how screwed up our planet is - this one was about slavery (as was Abe's Exoddus), Munch's Oddysee showed us how terrible animal testing, and extinction of whole species truly was, and Stranger's Wrath picked up on how huge multinational cooperations destroyed wilderness and chewed up nature's resources for their own personal gain... so on the surface while these games contain a lot of humor and fun, they do have a message along with them, and I think that's why they appeal to me so much. The other titles never really recaptured the essence of Oddworld that was first delivered to me in this title though, and I think this is why I like this one the most. The other games on the list were all special, but I think this is the one that really comes out top.

On being Female

Grr. This post is a small rant, on being female, so I'll warn you now it's not going to be nice. If you don't want to read about female... functions, please don't read this.




I warned you.

I woke up last night at 4am, there was blood everywhere. Urgh, why do these things always happen in the middle of the night - I mean can't it just be helpful and start while I'm awake so I can do something about it? No, I'd made a horrible mess everywhere, of my bed and of myself.

I mean, it's supposed to be a glourious celebration of fertility and everything, but to me it's just an inconveniance. I don't find three of four days worth of short temperdness, nausea, lack of appetite, stomach pain and bleeding particularly fun every month. One person once said to my mother 'God, haven't you learnt to control it by now?' (Yes, they were male). No, there is no controlling it; you can't control the flow of blood if you cut yourself (i.e. bleeding! not bleeding... bleeding!) it stops when it clots. It's exactly the same with a period. I wish humans had the same menstrual cycle as a cat.

Ask me

Ask me:

Rules:
You can ask me THREE questions
No matter how crazy, inappropriate, or random they are
I will answer 100% truthfully (or as close to the truth as I can).


Found this on someone else's blog ^^ shoot away

God awful fanfiction

Ok, so I've always been a little against the whole idea of fanfiction. For me the only purpose it serves is for a quick bunch of giggles, and boy have I found some funny things over the years.

Recently I was intruiged - 'oh boy, what could they have possibly done to heroes' kind of intruiged, and going to that godawful place fanfiction.net, I discovered something really funny.

You see, they like to write characters from the book/movie/show in relationships, and sometimes the writers will show the relationship with a slash, a small x or... my personal faveourite, smooshing the two names together to make a new, funnier name. The latter is decidedly prominent for some reason when it comes down to Heroes fanfiction, with hilarious results (well, me and my sister found them funny)

My faveourite monstrosities include

Plaire (Peter and Claire. Did anyone ever point out to these people that this counts as incest?)

Mohindlar (Mohinder and Sylar, on another note. Nobody should ever describe an indian person as tasting like curry. It's just too amusing)

Clikki (I can even begin to describe why I find this funny, every time I write it I can't help but giggle. It's Claire and Niki for those of you who couldn't figure it out)

Cleter (Peter, Claude... oh god)

But yeah. This is another random journal designed to curb my ever impending boredom.

God awful fanfiction

Ok, so I've always been a little against the whole idea of fanfiction. For me the only purpose it serves is for a quick bunch of giggles, and boy have I found some funny things over the years.

Recently I was intruiged - 'oh boy, what could they have possibly done to heroes' kind of intruiged, and going to that godawful place fanfiction.net, I discovered something really funny.

You see, they like to write characters from the book/movie/show in relationships, and sometimes the writers will show the relationship with a slash, a small x or... my personal faveourite, smooshing the two names together to make a new, funnier name. The latter is decidedly prominent for some reason when it comes down to Heroes fanfiction, with hilarious results (well, me and my sister found them funny)

My faveourite monstrosities include

Plaire (Peter and Claire. Did anyone ever point out to these people that this counts as incest?)

Mohindlar (Mohinder and Sylar, on another note. Nobody should ever describe an indian person as tasting like curry. It's just too amusing)

Clikki (I can even begin to describe why I find this funny, every time I write it I can't help but giggle. It's Claire and Niki for those of you who couldn't figure it out)

Cleter (Peter, Claude... oh god)

But yeah. This is another random journal designed to curb my ever impending boredom.

A Musing

With all the recent Heroes doohicky, there was an interesting question posed over the dinner table last night. So I thought I would put it up here :)

If you had a super hero 'power' - which power do you think you would have?

Now there is one word in that phrase that is important. Not what would you like to have, what do you think you would have. As in, which power do you think best suits your personality.

So we all began assigning powers to each other, and my sister Blythe came up with the fact that she'd have super strength. I agree with her; she's outgoing and strong mentally, so I think that power suits her very well. That and possibly the super-jump ability. ;D

We also eventually came up with Technopathy for dad. (Even though he has this secret desire to be Telekinetic) Technopathy is basically where you manipulate machines, like... say you can access the internet without a computer or make cash come out of the cash machine without a credit card or PIN.

Nikki said she'd probably have a good, but useless power, probably like being able to speak any language she heard. I don't believe that, I think she would probably have something really cool, like being able to pick up traces of people's memories by touching objects or something.

Me? I couldn't think of what my power would be, but Dad firmly insisted I would be an Empath. I guess it suits me, I do tend to act like the people I'm around a little. Ok well, a lot :)

So, my readers - what power do you think you would posess? I'm interested :D

Heroes

Wow - what can I say? Well first off, I guess I've been waiting for something like this to come along for a long long time, something I could really get hooked on and obsess over; a properly good, well written TV series.

At first I was a bit worried, I'd hyped myself up over the past couple of days, but there was this niggling doubt in the back of my mind. What if I didn't like it? What if it failed to deliver? I had spoken to a couple of people about it and they had been a bit... not excited - it wasn't anything special. It was more about the 'feelings' than the actual powers they'd told me. And after the first episode, I wasn't completely converted either. I have to admit that now, however, I'm completely and utterly in love with the thing. Ok, ok, I'll stop raving. I'll give you the low down on how I feel about each character, good and bad. I'll try not to post spoilers either.

Claire Bennet - (Spontaneous Regeneration)
I'm very mixed about this character, and what I like about her is the fact that she hasn't taken over the whole series and become the focus. Which sort of says volumes on how much I actually like her. If we compare Claire to Wolverine, it'll make it easier - Wolverine was never a main character until the movies took over and made the whole sodding series about him. Claire had that potential too, and for a few episodes I was a bit concerned. It hasn't turned into an all singing, all dancing Claire-fest though thankfully.

Niki/Jessica Sanders - (Super strength through alter ego)
I don't have any clear cut reason to like this character. But the fact is I think she's awesome. It's not exactly funny when she talks with her 'alter ego' gollum-esque style, it's just sort of intruiging. I like the fact that her power isn't linear; she only has the super strength when her alter ego takes over, and most of the time she acts like a crazy woman. But she's very Jekyll and Hyde, good person who can't help doing bad things, and I just can't help but feel sorry for her :D definately one of my faveourites.

Hiro Nakamura - (Ability to bend space and time)
Which of course leads to interesting results, teleportation, time travel, and time manipulation. I really wanted to hate this character, I usually do despise the comic relief. The fact that he was Japanese comic relief aswell, well that just set the alarm bells ringing in my head; from the outset he sounded like the annoying character from an anime you just want to kill. Problem is, I just can't bring myself to (hate him that is). They got the comedy just right - he isn't always doing stupid things, slapstick manner, he's just... ace.

Isaac Mendez - (Precognition)
I'm laughing internally at myself while I'm writing this one. Everytime I see Isaac doing his whole precognition thing, I think 'he's really cool'. Every damned time. I'm unsure however, if he qualifies to be one of my faveourites, because his personality is a bit flat, his personal story just a little too cliché. However, I like him because his power is the mechanism that introduces some of the little twists into the plotline, and I like how his power expresses itself in the form of the pictures that he paints. He's on the better side of the 'unsure' pile when it comes to how much I like him, he just doesn't quite cut it to be up there at the top because I feel that he could be so much more cooler.

Peter Petrelli - (Empath/Power mimicry)
I put a slash in his power doo-dah because in the series someone called him an 'Empath', but I always thought that meant you could sense how others were feeling. But in a nutshell, he's basically a power mimic-er. He is one of my faveourites though, because without including spoilers, suffice it to say he's interesting. I don't like how the series is making him appear the most important character right about now though.

Nathan Petrelli - (Flight)
Bah. The character you just love to hate. I hate him, he's a bastard xD. But before I move onto the next character, there's a valid point I'd like to make about the powers in general. None of them are linear, i.e. apparently obvious how much there is to each power, there are always little extras these people can do with their powers that they continue to discover which I like. Also, none of them have total control over the power, and while some of them learn to control it better, they don't have full control over it. The thing I don't like about Nathan is that a) his power is so boring compared to the rest of them, and b) although he doesn't often use it, he sure has good control over it. That annoys me no end.

Matt Parkman - (Telepathy)
Wikipedia tells us the power is Telepathy, Matt says he can 'hear people's thoughts'. Which stopped me connecting what his power actually was for ages and ages. Silly me. Yeah, I like this character, and he's involved in some interested bits of the story, but like Isaac I think his parts are sometimes a little boring. Not however, because his character is boring, just because most of the time he's doing boring things.

D.L. Hawkins - (Phasing)
Hehe it's a male version of Kitty Pryde. Yeah, he's kind of annoying and boring again. And I haven't got much to say about him because he reminds me of a rapper. And he hasn't had much to do with it all apart from being involved in the Niki storyline, plus he's a weakling. ¬.¬

And I'm not going to do anything on Micah. So according to Wiki, they are the main characters (with powers). I like some of the other people in it, but they're aren't as important. :) so ... go watch it and see what ever the hell I'm on about ^^

Easter Holidays

Well, after much griping about the fact that 'everyone apart from us' had broken up for Easter already, here we are. Boy am I glad to be 'away from it all' too - over the next couple 'days I'll be writing to you from sunny Manchester, having been shipped over to my dads house. There's two main things I'm most excited about in this Holiday. GuildWars, and the TV line up.

I love spring, we see the return of House (series 3) and Dr who ('new' series 3) - basically the only two things I can honestly say I follow on the television, as I'm more a 'infront of computer' type gal, I never can mind much to watch on Tv. But, since Finn introduced me to House I've been hooked, and Dr.Who? Well, lets just say being a fan runs in the family.

After being a little annoyed at missing the first episode of Doctor Who last week (due to a number of things, but mainly due to forgetting entirely), I finally caught up with it last night. My main first impressions were that of being well... impressed :) I think that finally, I'm getting accustomed to the fact that David Tennant is our 'new' Doctor, and new assistant Martha isn't as terrible as I thought she might be, heck, I even quite like her. But that's all down to good writing, the first episode into our new series was pure brilliance. Exactly what I look for in DrWho - I'm hoping it carries on like this. More on DrWho later on this week.

The new series of House started off well - we saw the man himself back on two legs, running, being actually happy for once after the season finale last series where Cuddy put him under treatment to cure the whole leg thing. But after only three episodes I don't get why we've had to go back to square one. Hopefully it'll all unfold as the series progresses, but it's beginning to get on my nerves just a little - what is with all this 'let's not allow House to have his own way because he's better now, oh look he's going down hill lets let him behave as he did before with all the crazyness'. It's as if the writers thought they were going to lose House's character by having him fixed, and got scared, so they put him back into the whole 'grumpy old cripple' act again. Hmm. Another thing that irks me is that, while she didn't before, Cameron is actually annoying. Before she did 'good ethics', now it just seems out of selfishness and 'hey I wanna hog the limelight'. Still gotta love the way Chase is crap though ;D

One more thing in brief - there have been some really cool GuildWars updates recently. But I'll talk about those later ;)

Quiz

You are...(looks)
[ ] tall
[ ] in between
[x] short (yes, I'm a short ass :( )

--
[ ] blonde
[ ] redheaded
[x] brunette
[ ] black-haired

--
[x] blue-eyed
[ ] brown-eyed
[ ] green-eyed
[ ] hazel eyed
[ ] gold eyed
[ ] grey eyed
[ ] with glasses
[ ] with contacts
[ ] with braces
[x] with freckles
[x] with piercings
[ ] with tattoos
[ ] and have long hair
[ ] and have short hair
[x] and have mid-length hair

Your favorite color(s) are?
[ ] red
[ ] pink
[ ] yellow
[ ] black
[x] green
[x] blue
[ ] gold
[ ] white
[ ] silver
[x] purple
[x] brown
[ ] orange
[ ] indigo

Some things you've done/played include...
[ ] soccer
[ ] cheerleading
[ ] dancing
[ ] lacrosse
[ ] field hockey
[ ] hockey
[ ] football
[ ] softball
[ ] wrestling
[ ] gymnastics
[ ] track/cross country
[ ] basketball
[ ] baseball
[ ] golf
[ ] chess
[ ] playing in the mud
[x] playing music
[ ] hiking
[ ] kayaking
[ ] camping
[ ] horseback riding
[ ] marching band

You are sometimes...
[ ] annoying
[ ] talkative
[x] shy
[x] sweet
[x] funny
[ ] mysterious
[x] serious
[ ] bubbly
[x] spazzy
[x] paranoid
[x] fun-loving
[x] laid back
[ ] strict
[ ] hyper
[x] nervous
[x] weird
[ ] get in a relationship that you are pleased with and then just fuck it all up leaving yourself alone and friendless once more

The music you like is?
[ ] rap
[x] rock
[x] pop
[ ] country
[ ] hip hop
[ ] r&b
[ ] slow jams
[ ] Christian
[x] classical
[ ] techno
[ ] oldies
[ ] the 80s
[ ] punk
[ ] Metal
[ ] reggae
[ ] Goth
[x] Latin
[ ] 90's Grunge
[ ] musicals

The pets you have are?
[x] cat
[x] dog
[ ] lizard
[ ] snake
[ ] ferret
[ ] spider
[ ] rabbit
[ ] fish
[x] bird
[ ] hamster
[x] little sister
[ ] other

You're mostly labeled as?
[ ] goth
[ ] emo
[ ] prep
[ ] punk
[x] hippie
[x] nerd
[ ] ditzy
[ ] hyper
[ ] happy
[ ] everything
[x] I hate labels! I'm just me!!!
[ ] have no idea

You eat?
[ ] dessert every night
[ ] no meat
[ ] diet stuff
[x] healthy foods
[x] junk foods
[ ] a lot of carbs
[x] ice cream
[x] lots of meat
[x] salad
[x] seafood
[ ] exotic dishes
[ ] Mountain Dew

A typical friday night...
[ ] mall with your friends
[ ] partying
[ ] doing my homework
[ ] watching movies
[ ] going to the club
[x] staying home
[x] playing videogames
[ ] babysitting and getting $$
[ ] hanging out w/ my friends
[x] hanging out w/ your boyfriend/girlfriend
[ ] working while your friends are out having fun

Currently you are...
[x] in a relationship (<3)
[ ] single and lovin it
[ ] crushing
[ ] single and looking for someone
[ ] just broke up... and so sad about it
[ ] just broke up... and its not affecting you much
[ ] just broke up... and you're wayyy happy about it

Online, you use:
[x] lol
[ ] sup
[ ] rofl
[ ] lmao
[ ] wb
[x] ty
[ ] j/k
[x] <3
[ ] ttyl
[ ] g2g
[x] xD
[x] ^^
[x] T_T
[x] x_x
[x] ^_^
[x] o_O
[ ] TOT

Hehe ^^ I liked this quiz, I stole it from my sister's journal.

Demons of Procrastination

No, of course I'm not avoiding doing my coursework *whistles*. But when you have inspiration, your motivation to do work plummets like anything. I don't want to be typing up my physics coursework right now, I want to be creating my new race I thought up the other day.

An old friend of mine had an analogy to go with this feeling, since she had always (and still does to my knowledge) wanted to write and publish a novel. I still ask her how her writing goes from time to time, but she was one of those who didn't like sharing her work until the whole thing was finished. Which could have been years in her case. Eventually she finished a novel and sent it round to a few people, but... well. Let's just say I only struggled through the first couple of pages out of loyalty, but after gently hinting (and it was very gently mind) that dialogue ought to have been intersperced with a little more description, and that punctuation was pretty important (so that your sentences didn't run on like this one and go on for ever and if you were reading it aloud your breath would be failing right about now and you'd end up sounding like a dying vaccuum cleaner you get the picture the end amen), she decided to scrap the entire thing. I believe she is writing a second attempt at a novel, but, y'know. Hats off to her; it's something I haven't managed to do.

Anyway, she had this analogy. As your inspiration increases, you school work production tends to decrease, and vice versa. I think this is actually pretty accurate (she even drew me a graph so that the scientific bit of my mind could comprehend it), I mean, I never feel like working when my mind is so full of other ideas. I don't want to loose them, and so I waste time writing them down when I could be doing 'useful' work.

This leads me onto another point, this time insightful. I have always been a highly imaginative person; I love creating, but these days instead of playing pretend or drawing pictures I have to channel this energy into more 'acceptible, adult' forms. (Or else just be classed as weird, which happens anyway I suppose). So hence I find myself writing music, writing stories, daydreaming too much and wishing there was an easier way to capture my ideas instead of having to write it all down in boring black and white text. Once on paper, my once brilliant ideas just seem so stupid I never do anything else with them.

Enough said I suppose, another post about nothing in particular. Just a ramble and a waste of time :)

So happy ^^

Finn and I = 1 year today

I love him so much <3

Biology

These past few weeks I've been trolling through the annual coursework for Biology. I can't stand anything that's repetetive, call it a pet peeve of mine if you will. Anyway, this coursework demands that you justify why you're doing everything, but because I've already explained it all in my introduction, I have to write it all out again. Hand writing it out mind. I can understand coursework perhaps preparing you for research or something, but it seems like an awful lot of work for not many marks, and it doesn't interest me in the slightest. Anyway :)

I've always loved 'biology' - I put this in inverted commas because it's sort of a loose term. Let me explain.

I often get from people 'how can you like biology? it's so boring' which yes, I can understand perfectly well - you don't blow things up in biology, nor do you seem to ever have to explain something so abstract and complex that your head drops off thinking about it. I'll admit that there hasn't been a lesson in which I myself have been sitting there thinking 'god this is so boring' - I'd say that perhaps 5 out of 4 lessons of biology are boring.

The most fun other people seem to glean from the subject is 'cutting animals and stuff up' aka 'dissection'. I wouldn't say I dislike dissection, I do, but I never really learnt much from it save from that you get to see what organs and stuff feel like, and look like. You can't tell how they work from hacking it to pieces. Anyway, I was explaining what appealed to me...

The fact is, they never teach you the interesting parts of biology, or... they never go into enough detail about the few snippets that catch my attention in lessons. When learning about the nervous system for example, we did a measly five minutes on animal behavior - I'm sure people would have found that far more interesting than synapses and reflexes etc (retold in exactly the same amount of detail we had at GCSE). We did photosynthesis to death five times over amen jesus christ, but we haven't once touched upon the evolution of a pentadactyl limb. If I wrote the syllabus, everyone would take this subject :D

That's another thing, that I mentioned before - this subject is such a joke. I don't feel I'm learning anything new (perhaps it's due to the fact I read too much), we did it all at GCSE. I could probably go into detail about how the kidney works even though we haven't covered it yet in class, and I'll bet it's exactly what we need to know. *le sigh* Every other subject does new and exciting things - why doesn't Biology?

Anyway, for your interest and amusement, here are some things I think you should go read about. It's good, interesting biology;

http://hometown.aol.com/darwinpage/equid2t.gif Evolution of the horse (pretty picture!)

http://www.edwardtbabinski.us/whales/whales-graph.jpg Evolution of the whale (pretty picture!)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shark Go read about sharks 'yo.

http://webexhibits.org/causesofcolor/2.html#vissamp Ever wondered what the world looks like to colourblind people? Also on 'other' click the 'animal' link. Very interesting reading.

There I feel I may have enriched some people's knowledge.

I have more

When I thought it just couldn't get any worse

Well, we all know how bad it was when the leak started.

When we got home, mum was there to see that we were ok, but she started talking about plasterers and fair enough blahdeblah we had to know what was going on. Then she left, and she obviously wanted to tell us something else but she was being really annoying by saying 'oh you'll find out sooner or later'.

Half an hour later, Craig and mum come back, and we were subjected to being manhandled by that awful man who I have been informed 'cares about us', but I don't really give a damn. My patience wears thin when I am forced to kiss and cuddle him like I'm his own daughter. His breath smells like vomit and he has this constant long stubble that bloody well hurts. Moreso he asks me things five times over and no matter how enthusiastically I answer, I will be asked the same question again. And again. And again. It's infuriating. Because mother as usual was making no sense whatsoever, I got a glare and was dragged into the lounge for a little 'talk' (which involved me having to sit down, with Craig... well. Pulled into a 'hug' more like) The conversation went something like this, complete with Craigspeak:

(yes I completely nicked dad's way of portraying conversation - sorry ^^)

"Ya mum's 'ad it completely up t'ere with all this sh-i-te that's been goin' on in this house"
(really? what all the shit that happens when she's not here? Gosh it must be so terrible for her, having to cope with this while she's in that pub, drinking the night away and being social... terrible, how does she ever cope?)
"So a think it's time y' started 'elping 'er a bit, 'cos av been gettin' it in the neck all weekend..."
"Yeah ok. Sure."
"Yeah a think y' should start 'elping 'her a bit - will yer start 'elping 'er?"
"Yes."
"If y'ever need t talk about anythin' y can talk t' me."
"Thanks."
"If y'ever need t talk about anythin' y can talk t' me."
"Thankyou."
"Right."

This pissed me off. I'd been the one who had been coping with that leak all weekend. Oh noes, she's had to call the workers in and she's going to have to buy a new carpet. How extremely taxing on her poor little self. How could I have helped with that anyway? Did she expect me to do it for her? And how would 'emptying the dishwasher, taking the dog out, making dinner and cleaning my own clothes' have helped the leaking ceiling? I did those anyway btw :) but... all I have done to help already didn't seem to do anything, so... what did she expect me to do? Obviously I got it wrong. Again. Lol!

Anyway, I found out she'd got Craig to ask us to clean up after the plasterers. I'm guessing that this is because she can't summon up the energy to do it herself because she's 'too tired'. Oh diddums is tired? Oh dear - spent all night in the pub and didn't get to sleep until whenever? so yes, poor mother will be fucking tired.

Don't get me wrong, I would have gladly helped if she'd just asked me herself. Nicely, without having to
1) do it through someone else
2) talk about be behind my back (this is another story for another time)

I guess since Dad already knows how bad it is here, and that he already wants us to go live there, it doesn't matter that I actually recount some of the stuff that goes on. This is just once incident that really hacked me off.

A little look inside my head.

So, if you'd rather not know, don't read it. (yes this is a warning that I'm going to actually write some of the things I've been subjected to) But I guess this is sort of an explanation for things. I can't really say this out loud to anyone, and typing is the easiest medium for me to share my feelings. This is going to be a lot of writing. And it's not exactly happy either.

I've realised (not very recently either) that I really need someone to talk to, I mean, to share my problems with. I guess a certain person (or people) reading this might think 'hey! you're welcome to talk to me any time you want - I'll listen! I'm an excellent listener! Why can't you let me be your listener person? Am I not good enough? I'm offended...' etc. Please don't be offended by this, I mean seriously don't. I hadn't finished what I was going to say :) here comes the other side to the problem.

I also realised I can't stop this immense guilt preventing me from telling people what bothers me. When someone listens to problems I have, afterwards I don't feel any better, I usually just feel worse. This is for two reasons:

1) I hate burdening people with my problems, everyone has problems. Who would possibly want more? One side to my guilt is that I wouldn't want anyone to worry about my problems in addition to their own, I couldn't bear to make someone unhappy because they are worried about me.

2) If the problem concerns said person, I could never tell them, unless it got so that it was driving me insane from being constantly on my mind, i.e. if I was on the brink of tears because problem x was troubling me so much. This is because I would feel like telling someone that some part of what they do upset me in some way would in turn upset them, and I can't make anyone feel bad about something. Again with the guilt.

I know what has led me to get into this state. It's been a combination of factors. For years I have been everyone else's agony aunt, and perhaps it should have been the other way around. I know for a fact that some relationships were purely on the basis of 'I offload all my crap onto you Natalie, I feel better for it. It's a win win situation' i.e. in retrospect I have been completely taken advantage of and used, until my use has worn out and I have been simply discarded. This is not an understatement. I can name at least 2 cases where I cannot justify being on amiable terms with someone for any other reason than for the one I just stated.

I can understand that with my family, things have been difficult, least of all for my Mum who yes, looked after us. I can't expect to have been shielded from all the troubles that were going on 'behind the scenes' - I was growing up, I had to get used to the fact that life was not some jolly trip. Perhaps she has serious problems that should have been looked at or something, and I know it's a good thing that parents and children talk through problems.

Talking to her way into the night I have to admit, at the time made me feel closer to her, and made the whole situation feel a little less lonely. I felt good in myself for helping her cope with what she was having to deal with, but after a time when I was the one having to sort out all her problems it got a little wearying. (Think about it - I was only 13) I was the one having to listen to every horrible thing that went wrong in our lives and having to sort it out... at least in the emotional sense. You have no idea the number of sleepless nights I had as a young teenager, worrying about what was going to happen to all of us, if we were going to be alright. When mum insisted she wanted a night out, away from the house I was yelled and screamed at for simply wanting a little bit of security - asking her to stay so that I felt a little safer was out of the question. So instead I used to lie awake, unable to sleep until I heard her come home. Everyone had to be in the house before I could sleep, and until they were I used to lie awake thinking of all the possible, terrible things that could have happened to my mum to make her not be home yet. Most of them involved her drinking too much and... y'know crashing the car. Imagining your parent in that state is enough to keep any young girl awake.

So alright, I listened to her problems and we talked about things. She went out on occasion and that made me worry something bad was going to happen. Doesn't sound too bad does it? But the thing was, if I had a problem, every time I'd try to tell her about it I'd get completely ignored. Rebuffed; none of my problems were as near the scale and magnitude of hers. If I had a problem, she have five, larger ones that she'd immediately go on to tell me about in detail, six times over. I don't exaggerate - I'd be kept up until the wee hours listening and talking through her problems, when all that could have started this might have been 'mum, I didn't have such a good day at school today' - talking about my problems only doomed me to a late night of sorting out hers.

Even when it got too much for me to cope with, and I eventually came to her in floods of tears, desperately needing to talk, or simply to cuddle, I'd get told to 'go to your room and cry it away - you'll see that it's not so big a deal Natalie'.

So if I couldn't go talk to my mum about my problems, why didn't I just go and talk to my friends I hear you say? That's a laugh, I didn't have any friends. I was just that girl who had been set upon by her entire form because her 'best friend' decided to spread some rumour around about her (I never found out what it was, but many others came from it, I'll assure you). When I say that everyone hated me, I wouldn't have been lying. My first year of highschool was perhaps the worst time of my life - I'm sure we have all been in the situation, once or twice where, when asked to form a group in class, you were the one left with nobody to go with. The teacher eventually takes pity and places you with someone, but they won't include you. Imagine that but for an entire year, for every situation. P.E, lunchtimes, breaktimes, on the bus... you name it. I was isolated. I tried to make friends, but once that idea of me had been printed into the whole forms head, I was poison.

I couldn't talk about it to my younger sister because I felt that this time was probably the hardest for her, and being guilt tripped into not sharing my problems with those older or equal in age to myself, I couldn't do that to Blythe.

So, all in all, I had an unhappy time and I had nobody to share it with, and even if there had been a listening ear out there, I wasn't able to share things with them. During Highschool once we weren't setted for classes in forms and more mixed up I made different groups of friends, but, so glad to have people who liked me, I'd do anything for them. I'd help them with anything, listen to all their problems. I couldn't stand up for myself, it might have lost me the precious companionship I had been deprived of.

It was sort of around this time I began getting it into my head that
1) everyone had problems
2) everyone else's problems were greater than my own

But helping people talk through their problems instead of them listening to mine was sort of my anti-drug. It made me put my own problems into perspective, made them seem less terrible and also made me forget about them - bury them somewhere deep to never be spoken of. If I could help people solve their own problems it made my problems go away. I guess Highschool taught me a lot of good lessons in how to make a person feel valued, how to actually listen to someone (there is a proper way to listen to someone), how to talk to someone, and how to value friendships and look after people in general. Those are skills I know I still hold today.

I found this thing a few years ago and it said that there are 5 important things you do in conversation that classifies you as a 'good listener':

1) You use the person's name while speaking to them, it lets someone know that you know who they are and it makes them feel more important and special
2) When someone has said something, ask questions on the subject. It lets the person know you have listened and taken in what they have said. Asking someone to clarify what they have just said is a big yes, because to understand a topic or problem people will do this subconsiously to understand the goal together
3) Look at the person when they are speaking to you, but look away when you yourself are speaking
4) Remembering to ask someone about the problem later on in the day, or the next day makes them feel well... remembered.
5) Repeating what someone has just said in your own words, as a verification also lets them know you were listening.

While I was learning this myself, I also became aware of how few other people actually listened. People are selfish, they only like talking about themselves, and you'll find that conversation does not work if someone only ever talks about themselves. Even if they are the type who 'oh no I can't tell you what's wrong' - most of the time it's attention seeking. They will tell you eventually. You can tell a bad listener by the fact that they will -

1) Use the word 'I' a lot.
2) Cut across what you are saying with something that happened to them, or something irrelivant to the conversation, and anecdote about themselves
3) While you are speaking, if they are not listening they will simply go 'mm.... yes...' in the same tone of voice.

I got that a lot while I was talking to people, so in the end, coupled with everything else I simply stopped sharing my feelings, as I realised there was nobody who truly wanted to know how I felt. These days if someone asks me, I will give them a short answer, even if deep inside I'm bursting to tell them how terrible I feel. 'I'm fine' usually indicates I'm happy, whereas 'yeah, I'm ok I guess' probably means I'm not ok and could you please help me talk about my problems. Though I probably wouldn't be able to because sharing my problems with other people, as I said before, makes me feel guilty.

These days however, I seemed to have reached exhaustion point. Not sharing my problems over so long means I'm finding it really difficult to listen to others - if someone simply starts offloading onto me I'll tune off. I've been taken advantage of too many times now and I feel I just can't do it anymore, I seem to be alright if I know I'm going to get something back when I really need it, or if I'm feeling particually happy I can listen to people. But I feel all my good advice and helpfulness just ... not there anymore. As though it's all been sucked dry.

I guess a good analogy of this came from a book I read a while ago that says that women have a sort of psycological 'caring meter'. It's their capacity to be able to help other people. Basically this it how it works

- People doing things to help said woman fill the meter up. The amount the meter is filled up by is exactly the same no matter how big the help was, so it is better to do lots of little good things than do one big good thing. I.e. opening the door for the woman = 1 point, remembering to say thankyou = 1 point. But also buying the woman a house = 1 point. (you get the idea, I've exaggerated here)

- The woman will always help and care for people to the best of her ability, regardless of how full the meter is. Even if the meter goes into 'negative' - she will still continue to use the (now non-existant) points from the meter. However, if the meter is in negative, the woman will begin to become angry and upset at the people who still ask for her help when they are doing nothing to help her back (in extreme cases she will begin to hate these people) but she will never stop helping them.

But I guess I feel so underappreciated I find it hard to help people at all, I mean I will still do, but I find it very hard to. Comes from being taken for granted too much in the past.

I guess this is just turning into ramble now, but basically the point of this post was to clear up a few of the things that go through my head. So all in all I really, really need someone to understand how important it is to me when I feel appreciated, even just a simple thankyou from people makes me so happy. I also need to feel secure and feel that people aren't going to leave me or get cross with me, or but in, or make me feel guilty because I need to share my feelings and problems. Sharing problems is a hard thing for me to do - it does not come easily like it does to so many other people I notice.

So as you thought perhaps at the beginning ''hey! you're welcome to talk to me any time you want - I'll listen! I'm an excellent listener! Why can't you let me be your listener person?" You can, but just understand it's going to take time and probably a hell of a lot of patience. Though the (person) people who read(s) this (is) are wonderful (<3) (yay for non subtle subtext) and I hope I haven't scared them away by all this rubbish, it's taken me a lot of courage and tissues and time to write this all down at stupid o'clock in the morning. So I hope it's helpful, or at the very least, insightful.

I'm going to go to bed now.